On the Brink, No Less

This is a post to say that I am here.  I haven’t gone anywhere.  In recent posts I’ve replaced my personal voice with that of the quotes and phrases that could say it better than I could in those moments… but I’m still here behind it all.

I’ve changed locations. I’ve changed jobs. I’ve changed living arrangements.  And I can whole-heartedly say it has been a beautiful change.  I have no more certainty, but I have infinitely more confidence.  

I have joy again.  Stomach-twisting laughter.  Drive.  Purpose.  and Hope.  I also have a year of tough-love under my belt that makes every day seem brighter and more intentional than It might actually be.  I’ve realized that it may never get any easier or less-complicated, this life thing.  I will get stronger though, I will get smarter, and I will find deeper peace. 

I also have the confidence of having hit a rock-bottom of sorts- the lowest point that a naturally optimistic person like myself can hit- and risen right back out of it.  There is a peace in that which says “no matter what, this too shall pass… and you’ll be better for it”.  

I don’t dread Mondays.  I don’t dread any days.  I have challenges and stresses to be sure, but mostly I am simply anxious to rise to them. 

I am so totally present to this journey.  I get antsy and impatient at times.  I get scared and panic about the uncertainties.  In the midst of that, though, I feel very present.  I feel very aware that simple moments of shared victories, of shared jokes, of shared chaos are moments that I will look back on fondly when life is more settled, yet more boring than it is right now.

So I am here.  I am very, very here.  I am working rigorously on many things, including a humble book recounting the details of this journey back to my joy that I hope to share with whomever is eager to read it.  I am thankful for you, the readers, who have jumped on board with this chaotic purging of my inner mind.  And most of all I am thankful for this life, though crazy as it may be, because it feels very lived in and very worthwhile.  I’m living things out well, I believe.  I am in it.  I am here.